"that" guy

Recently I was browsing through facebook and I couldn't help but notice there was a new couple who posted an album with some very serene photos. You know, those ones that are edited (most likely with a Mac. Geez, when does Steve jobs ever not make money?) so that the same picture appears in black & white, as well as color, and a funky combination of both so that the couple looks like they melt together in a literally picture perfect, euphoric scene. What caught my eye was not the ambient photos. It was the fact that the couple was kissing, and there was no camera in either of their hands. So I was thinking... who is that unlucky guy (or girl) who takes the pictures of all those couples as they snuggle, snog, and gaze into each others eyes under the faded grayish/ reddish sky (due to Mac editing, (Steve job is a genius)).

And the crazy thing is that I am not making this up! Go on facebook now and find a couple, and see if they have an album like the one I described. Usually they are titled with catchy, emotional, flowery phrases like "my prince and I", "just you" "mm.hmmmmmm", "an endless romance", and my personal favorite "as I walk into my future."

Now there is a question about all this that I need to ask. Does the couple hire the photographer for the sole purpose of putting their new album on facebook? Or do they just take to pictures so they can have them to capture a memory and to put in on their future living room wall so they can tell their kids one day "look son, that was your mommy and daddy when we were young and falling in love!" I sincerely hope it is the latter. I might be wrong. I mean, you never know what people motives are. I guess some people might honestly believe that posting a romantic album legitimizes or brings affluence to their relationship. Because obviously, every relationship has got to be Facebook official.

Ha. That reminds me. I was sitting in the internet cafe at Kent State and I could not help but overhear the conversation next to me. Two girls were discussing whether they liked one of their friends or not. Then a question was raised in regards to the friend dating someone. The girl sitting next to me was like "Oh my God, I don't know if they are like, together. Wait. Lets check facebook. Then we will know if it official." I almost peed my pants. Our culture might as well just bow down to facebook 5 times a day, and sacrifice a lamb over a computer well they are at it.

I wonder how that guy who takes the pictures feels? I don't think I would take that job unless you paid me enough to cover my college education. Can you imagine standing there in that field, jacuzzi, or wherever the location is, and watching your friends make out. I would feel incredibly uncomfortable. But the worst part about it, is that some of the albums actually gave credit to the photographer. Who in their sanity would have any desire to be like "yeah, I took those pictures of Sheri and Tom kissing under a blanket. It was me. I want the credit!"

If I ever get married, mark my words, I will never, ever, ever have someone take pictures of me and my girlfriend/finance/wife snuggling and kissing. Besides, I don't even have a Mac. So what is the point?

unnecessary inconvience

I was in a breakfast shop this morning in Alaska. It was about 150 miles from Anchorage, smack in the middle of the bush. They had some pretty cool post cards for 35 cents. Now I would typically tend to gravitate to 20 cent post cards, because their production cost is probably a third of that, and a business will always rip you if they can. But these 35 cent cards were nice. They didn't just have a picture. It had 3, and said the location on the front. On the back it had a little footnote describing the area. For 15 extra cents, I would have bought it. Except for the stamp dilemma. I have never seen a postcard that does not require a stamp. So you would think that a place that sells post cards would have book of stamps sitting right next to the post cards. But they never do. I mean, isn't the point of a post card to send a quick message to a love one or friend WHILE you are on your vacation. If there are no stamps available, then what is the point of a post card?

Why would I want to come back from Tahiti with a post card and give it to my mom. My message might be irrelevant by the time I get home. I mean, if i just went spearfishing in Tahiti and speared a huge salmon (i don't even know if salmon are native to south pacific waters, so for all you gamers out there, i plead ignorance if I am wrong) I wanna tell my mom about it asap. The post card would be a great idea, if I could send it! Whoever invented post cards obviously wanted to make it very difficult to send one. Maybe their is something I am missing here. Maybe there is a secret password that enables the sales person to stamp the post card. Now I don't know much about politics, but did the feds pass a law that states it was unconstitutional to sell stamps with a post card? Did they hide a password in the 1st amendment that would allow post cards to be stamped if someone knew it?

Maybe the guy from In-N-Out burger conspired with the postal service. They probably were like "Hey, if you want to really tick people off, just create a secret system that is just by word of mouth. Don't list it."

I went to an In-N-Out last month in San Fransisco. Apparently there is an entire menu that is a secret. You can get your fries with this awesome tarter sauce. But you have to know the secret order or they will just give you fries. The same goes with burgers. You can order a burger with grilled onions and that tarter sauce stuff, but you have to know the secret order because In-N-Out only has 3 things on their menu. Number 1, 2, or 3. The double double, cheese burger, or hamburger.

And this takes me to banks. Now don't get me wrong. Banking has some great aspects to it, especially online banking. But their hours suck! Before I moved to Ohio, the banking fad was Bank of America. Everybody used Bank of America. Bank of America was cool. People started abbreviating it BOA. They would be like "yeah, i gotta run down to BOA today.", like it was the place to be. So I took the bait and opened up an account with Bank of America. The people were nice, but I hardly ever saw them because the bank was always closed. High school started at 7:45 which meant I had to leave by 7. The bank didn't open till 9 and it closed at 4. Plus the people get a lunch break. Man, that would be a great career. You are making 45 grand to sit at a desk for 5 hours.

So anyway, I would go to school, and by the time I got out, it was 3. I had an hour window to get to the bank before it closed. Last time I checked, the majority of America worked from 9 till 5. So unless BOA wants its business from minimum wage high schoolers, unemployed Americans, or old ladies that are living off of social security, then I don't understand how they can be open for 6 hours.

And what kills me is these banks that come out with these really personal marketing slogans to attract customers. For example, BOAs is "Bank of America. Higher Standards. Embracing ingenuity. Think what we can do for you"

Well, what you can do for me is make it possible for me to suck on a lolipop and drink some coffee while you handle my finances, IN YOUR BANK while I am not at work!
I also discovered that while BOA claims to be the United States largest bank, they are actually missing 6 states. There is no BOA in Montana, North Dakota, Vermont, West Virgina, Alaska, and Hawaii. And if you are ever in the south, don't count on "the countries largest bank". Because there are little to no banks in 5 of the 10 southern states.

So after I discovered this, I switch to JP Morgan Chase. Chase has no overdraft fees, and closes at 6. And the coffee is better. And so is my life.

Sea Gulls

I once heard a joke I thought was amusing. Why don't Sea Gulls fly over a bay? Because then they would be called Bay gulls. I know, pathetic. I had the privilege of spending a summer afternoon at a New England beach a few weeks ago. I have grown up near the beach my entire life which means I have been forced to spend 19 years observing the grotesquely otiose beings humans have foolishly given a name to: sea gulls.

Does a sea gull serve any useful purpose to the universe? Why do they exist? What was God thinking when He created sea gulls!? Seriously. Is there any other animal that with one glance, incites an uncontrollable raging desire to bash its head in with a baseball bat? Now, those 2 million strong PETA followers out there might think I am a sadistic psychopath, but after sharing my desires with my sister, I found out I am not alone. I asked my sister if she has ever spontaneously wanted to kill a sea gull. She responded by saying that she would rip ones head off if she had the chance. I think further polls need to be done to see if the American public has similar feeling towards sea residing mammals.

After recollecting back to my child hood, I remembered an instance where I witnessed a sea gull relieve himself (or herself) on my fathers head. Most people would argue that the gull just let it fly, and by chance, and accounting for the right wind conditions, my dad's head just happened to be in the wrong spot at the wrong time. But I have another theory.

I think sea gulls are secretly the most intelligent beings in the animal kingdom. They know that they were created with an appearance that would turn a toddlers face pale, so they choose to use their disgusting facial features as an asset for their narcissistic ploy: to rally the entire population of birds to turn on the humans.
If you are familiar with the screenplay or classic short story, The Birds, you will understand where I am coming from. I would guess that Alfred Hitchcock was sitting on a beach in New England in the late 50s when he realized what might happen if sea gulls decided to use their intellectul capabilities. It is documented that Hitchcock contacted JFK with this issue of national security. JFK being a fellow New Englander, realized the atrocious threat to human civilization and tried to put a stop to it. But we were in the middle of the Vietnam War at the time, and when LBJ found out that the president was concerned about sea gulls, he got himself into the white house to face the real issues of our time.

So Hitchcock was rejected and forced to write The Birds as a fictional short story. And that is what The Birds was received as. Fictional.

I am not the only one with this theory. There is hard evidence America went to war in Vietnam to cover up Alfred Hitchcock and JFKs fear that the world would be overthrown by birds, and sea gulls would be the masterminds behind it all.

What would have happened if JFK got a chance to warn the world about the sea gulls? I can picture him calling a press conference, with Hitchcock by his side.

"My fellow Americans. There is imminent danger to our country, and possibly the world. I am therefore ordering the extermination of all sea gulls found on American soil and in American air space. The threat level is now at orange. So don't ask your country what it can do for you, but what you can do for you country. And kill any sea gull you come across. Thank you."


What if the greatest president of the 20th century was assassinated because he believed in a potential bird threat? And as for Alfred Hitchcock, he is known as unofficially insane.

As for the gulls, they continue to populate and pester beaches around our great shores to this day. They just perch there, with their bug shaped eyes, waiting.

And don't get me started on pigeons.