Sea Gulls

I once heard a joke I thought was amusing. Why don't Sea Gulls fly over a bay? Because then they would be called Bay gulls. I know, pathetic. I had the privilege of spending a summer afternoon at a New England beach a few weeks ago. I have grown up near the beach my entire life which means I have been forced to spend 19 years observing the grotesquely otiose beings humans have foolishly given a name to: sea gulls.

Does a sea gull serve any useful purpose to the universe? Why do they exist? What was God thinking when He created sea gulls!? Seriously. Is there any other animal that with one glance, incites an uncontrollable raging desire to bash its head in with a baseball bat? Now, those 2 million strong PETA followers out there might think I am a sadistic psychopath, but after sharing my desires with my sister, I found out I am not alone. I asked my sister if she has ever spontaneously wanted to kill a sea gull. She responded by saying that she would rip ones head off if she had the chance. I think further polls need to be done to see if the American public has similar feeling towards sea residing mammals.

After recollecting back to my child hood, I remembered an instance where I witnessed a sea gull relieve himself (or herself) on my fathers head. Most people would argue that the gull just let it fly, and by chance, and accounting for the right wind conditions, my dad's head just happened to be in the wrong spot at the wrong time. But I have another theory.

I think sea gulls are secretly the most intelligent beings in the animal kingdom. They know that they were created with an appearance that would turn a toddlers face pale, so they choose to use their disgusting facial features as an asset for their narcissistic ploy: to rally the entire population of birds to turn on the humans.
If you are familiar with the screenplay or classic short story, The Birds, you will understand where I am coming from. I would guess that Alfred Hitchcock was sitting on a beach in New England in the late 50s when he realized what might happen if sea gulls decided to use their intellectul capabilities. It is documented that Hitchcock contacted JFK with this issue of national security. JFK being a fellow New Englander, realized the atrocious threat to human civilization and tried to put a stop to it. But we were in the middle of the Vietnam War at the time, and when LBJ found out that the president was concerned about sea gulls, he got himself into the white house to face the real issues of our time.

So Hitchcock was rejected and forced to write The Birds as a fictional short story. And that is what The Birds was received as. Fictional.

I am not the only one with this theory. There is hard evidence America went to war in Vietnam to cover up Alfred Hitchcock and JFKs fear that the world would be overthrown by birds, and sea gulls would be the masterminds behind it all.

What would have happened if JFK got a chance to warn the world about the sea gulls? I can picture him calling a press conference, with Hitchcock by his side.

"My fellow Americans. There is imminent danger to our country, and possibly the world. I am therefore ordering the extermination of all sea gulls found on American soil and in American air space. The threat level is now at orange. So don't ask your country what it can do for you, but what you can do for you country. And kill any sea gull you come across. Thank you."


What if the greatest president of the 20th century was assassinated because he believed in a potential bird threat? And as for Alfred Hitchcock, he is known as unofficially insane.

As for the gulls, they continue to populate and pester beaches around our great shores to this day. They just perch there, with their bug shaped eyes, waiting.

And don't get me started on pigeons.